Vicky talks to us about setting boundaries.
Setting boundaries to protect ourselves can be a difficult position to be in. Saying no can sometimes make us feel guilty as there may be pressure to not let people down and this ultimately leads to someone else feeling rejected. Whether that’s saying no to friends or explaining to people we may just need a quiet moment to ourselves, their feelings of rejection our not our responsibility to manage. Equally, when we have said no to people in the past, this may have been ignored, so sub-consciously we are more likely to say yes as we do not trust others to respect our boundaries.
However, if we say yes to everything, this can lead to feelings of ‘burn-out’. The support we then offer to other people may not feel up to our best standards or the social occasion we’ve agreed to attend may feel less enjoyable. If we live a life dependent on other people’s views of us, this will ultimately lead to dissatisfaction.
Saying no does not mean you are a bad person and committing to something, which you then feel you need to make up a reason to get out off, can feel even worse.
I recommend you reflect on what is important to you and what are your current needs are. You may do this by writing a list or drawing a picture around the feelings that you associate with saying no.
When you say no, do not be apologetic and come up with excuses. Be kind to yourself and recognise this is something challenging that you need to do for you. You may want to start with ‘thank you for asking’ or ‘thank you for thinking of me’ as this can feel less direct and appreciates the other person. You may also want to practice scenarios of ‘saying no’ to help build your confidence.
Ultimately, learning to say no can feel empowering and freeing. That new found freedom, can bring opportunities you may never have imagined and build our confidence. So take on this challenge of saying no, boldly, wisely and compassionately.
