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Survivors' Poetry

THE LULLABY

There is something that controls me

It drains my very soul

Never to let me rest

Or allow me to feel whole

 

It takes over every time

Twisting my childish mind

Lying there in waiting

Until I meet someone kind

 

It will not just let me be

And enjoy my sacred time

It whispers in my ear

And chants it’s eerie rhyme

 

“Are you sure they really like you

  You know you get things wrong

  Listen to me, you won’t get hurt

  If you hear my little song “

 

“Listen to me

 Cos I am the one who will never let you down

 I’m the one that’s with you

 When there’s no one else around”

 

“They will treat you nice and kindly

 And play their part so well

 But they are just pretending

 I know I can tell”

  

So I try to carry on

Ignore my trusted friend

Wanting kindness more

Than him, who I depend

 

But then I hear the voice

Much more sinister this time

He whispers in my ear

A slightly different rhyme

 

“ listen to me carefully

They,ll reject you, that’s for sure

Forget it all, the hug, the kiss

It will leave you wanting more”

 

“Or make the most of it my dear

Drain their very soul

Listen to my voice

It helps you keep control”

 

 “Drain them of affection

 Take whatever you need

 Cos you an I are one my dear

 We survive on all this greed”

 

“You are an emotional vampire

Don’t give them the chance to be

Your special friend, your loved one

Cos I’m your friend you see “

 

So I fill my cup

Til it reaches overflowing

 Feeding hungry minds

To help us both keep growing

 

Then I toss them to one side

Before they do it to me

And sigh with great relief

As he is pleased you see

 

But now I feel alone

More than I did before

Because he has taken what I had

So now I’m wanting more

 

In the distance I hear his voice

“Soon you will hear my rhyme

 Cos I am your little lullaby

 Til the end of time”

  

When he comes again

I feel how much he has grown

Because I always feed him

It’s all I’ve ever known

 

Honor Hope

 

PASSAGE OF TIME

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick
The metronome ticks the minutes away
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick
It regularly beats without a delay

She hears it, hears it, hears it now
All the way from childhood days
No choice for her but fear and pain
To come and go from the evil place

Come day, come week, come every month
Nothing ever changed
Come birthdays, Christmas, year-on-year
Becoming more deranged

She trod on the cracks along the road
She’ll be punished for that, to be sure
Nearer and nearer and nearer she’d get
Ring the bell right by the door

Waiting, waiting, waiting for time
Knowing she’s headed downstairs
Panic, fear and desperation
He’ll be seated on one of the chairs

She’s greeted by the metronome
Knowing what’s in store
She’s swallowing down the terror
And tightly clenching her jaw

She’s beckoned within, the time has come
The door bangs behind her – it’s shut
The bolt is shot, and she’s trapped inside
As she’s made to be the slut

Come, come, come, sit on my knee
Just you do as you’re told
Her heartbeat faster and faster
She’s only eight years old

He forced her on the chaise de longue
At the edge of the room, by the wall
He pushed and shoved himself on her
And he made her swallow it all
 
Don’t tell, don’t tell, don’t tell a soul
They’ll be trouble if you do
So she silenced herself right there and then
Knowing this was taboo

After years passed, the news got out
Not from her but another source
Someone else told their story
He denied it all, of course

The police were called immediately
Spoke to her Mum and her Dad
She was frozen to the core
Because she’d been told she was bad

She didn’t want to cause any trouble
In silence, she tucked it inside
The grown-ups shrugged their shoulders
While she crept up to her room and died.  

 

Jacqui

 

HANDS OFF

Today, the sky is black as coal
My mind has crawled into a hole
He took away my heart and soul
Please lock him up with no parole


I was eight and very shy
And was it any wonder why
I’d never scream; I’d never cry
When after, in your bed, I’d lie


I didn’t want to play his game
He told me that I was to blame
He left me with a sense of shame
I’d like to tell the world your name


What he did was so taboo
The foot was in the other shoe
Thought you’d get away, did you?
Karma will tell false from true

This isn’t who I want to be
He stole my innocence; can you see
I couldn’t run; I couldn’t flee
Just get your filthy hands off me

 

Jacqui

 

 

Anonymous

 

I am a victim of rape

A term I cannot escape

I am bound by my dark past 

Like a black storm overcast 

 

My body was no longer mine

You stole, and crossed the red line

Impetuously subjecting

Abuse, without respecting 

 

Merely a puppet in your hands

At mercy of your commands

The word 'no' did not exist

No matter how much I would resist 

 

My body was your pleasure

Your stolen golden treasure

You played doctor in disguise

New 'treatments' you would devise 

 

Merely a specimen for play

Cruel experiments each day

Inflicting hell, I learnt what to dread

Sadism. Rearing its ugly head

 

You relished in causing me pain

Revelled in each stroke I would sustain

Told me 'it's all for your good'

Left me lost and misunderstood 

 

No need to threaten with a gun

Your enticing words had the job done 

Soft silky manipulation

An illusion of loving protection

 

You're a sly beady-eyed snake

Cautious, making no mistake

Moving slowly and methodically 

I was blinded to the reality 

 

Distraught, unable to comprehend

Friend or foe? Do I comply or defend?

Are your actions tender and caring?

Or selfish and demeaning? 

 

Why did I not stand up and go

I wouldn't have been dealt a blow

I was not pinned down physically

But was chained emotionally 

 

There came a vile point in time

That I thrived on it as downtime

I no longer needed to be cajoled

A willing participant out cold 

 

Even through romantic actions

I wonder,  what were your intentions

Gut feeling, not about me - purely selfish

Self centred, your actions were hellish 

 

Rape as a concept is perturbing      

It is abuse, simultaneously pleasing

You distorted facts until I was demented

Coaxing me to think i consented 

 

What does it mean to consent

Deep black down, what was your intent

Your true desire was obscure 

Confused. What did i really endure

                                    

You violated me to the core

Monstrous criminal breaking law

Leaving body hate and shame

Crushed dignity and self-blame 

 

Intertwined with burning anger and rage

Deep humiliation that won't age

Dark feelings of extreme betrayal

Despondency, self-hate and Turmoil

 

Anonymous

 

The Fire that Feeds my Soul

I was the captive flame, trapped in a tiny ball of smoke induced haze,

Too stunned to be aware,

Floating through space in the darkest of night,

Re-emerging in the shadow of day.

Who watched over the silent danger?

Was it when I clasped my hands together or uncoiled my body for the last time?

 

That first moment,

Breaking of solitude,

A new mind,

An indestructible force carrying the fire that feeds my soul.

 

The passion -

To climb

To breathe

To survive

To smile

To be present in the world interlocking the power burning so brightly within.

 

To be awake

To be awoken

Aware of the changes,

The force that drives us to live, love and thrive,

Granting opportunities to forge a new purpose in our being.

 

Unfolding each layer is central in breaking down barriers,

Unspeakable walls built as a fortress for protection,

My weakness is not defined by the suffocation of freedom that immobilised my voice

 

But my strength,

To share vulnerability of my scars, the cracks, to re-balance the world and broaden the possibility of creating a beautiful understanding of ourselves.

 

© Written by Elizabeth Shane 

 

For All Those Times

For all those times
You stripped away my layers
Made me taste forbidden fruit
Forced my hands to do your work
Penetrated beyond boundaries
Hands snaked around my neck ready to silence the sound 

 

For all those times
I never said no. 

 

For all those times
I endured unwanted shadows creeping inside
Felt cold metal of a barrelled gun pushed against my head
Suffered perversion of injustice
Paralysed my breath through restrained fear
Offered my services on a plate 


For all those times
I never said no. 

 

For all those times
I quickened my footsteps down a dim lit path
Criss-crossed patterns in the road to shake away the followers
Barricaded my sanctuary through blockades of furniture
Feigned sleep to hasten your desire
Gave you permission without speaking a word 

 

For all those times
I never said no. 

 

For all those times
I didn’t dare scream
Kept quiet
Stayed silent
Never fought back
Ever told 

 

For all those times
I never said no. 

 

For all those times
I felt special
Chosen by you
Thought you loved me
Wanted your attention
Asked for more 

 

For all those times
I never said no. 

 

For all those times
I trusted you
Loved you
Despised you
Feared you
Missed you 

 

For all those times
I never said no. 

 

For all those times
I trembled to speak
Felt ashamed
Pushed the knife deeper in
Faded into darkness
Shattered into broken pieces 

 

For all those times
I never said no 

 

For all those times
I am haunted daily
I speak out
Fear will no longer silence me
My voice shall be heard
Truth will resonate 

 

For all those times
I never said no. 

 

For all those times
I wasn’t asked
I give myself permission
My choice
My body
My right 

 

For all those times
I never said no. 

 

For all those times
I longed to say stop
Stop.
I am the adult
With ownership
Of my freedom 

 

For all those times
I never said no. 

 

For all those times
You think you won
Of lives destroyed
We will stand strong
United in power
Together as one 

 

For all these times
We will say no. 

 

© Written by Elizabeth Shane  

 

Searching

Where are you, are you there?

Did your soul get snatched before it had a chance to start over

All new and wiped clean, or has it shattered into a million pieces like my heart?

Sharpened edges cutting into the sky

No place yet to go but gathering in readiness to light up the night.

Where are you, are you there?

Are you an echo in the shadows that grips my hand dragging me through the same story as I fight my way out of the storm?

I look for solace in the clouds as they gather me up in a warm, gentle breeze to guide me forward along the way.

Where are you, are you there?

Can I hear you in the trees, whispering and conspiring to hold me hostage as I stand underneath an umbrella of fading leaves?

Soon winter will come and strip your cover

No longer so powerful or dominating, now naked and bare for the world to see

My body pushes with all its might to set myself free from the entangled branches

I continue forward on my journey.

Where are you, are you there?

Are you the mist of the ocean hiding in my salty tears or have you fallen amongst grace against the wrath of perilous cold waves, as they sweep you further away from me?

My feet plant firmly in the sand as I stand bravely in my true form at the water’s edge, looking out onto the gateway of freedom

One day I will join the ocean to meet the waves and say hello when they have forgiven the storm

Until then I leave behind my tired, heavy stones

They no longer need to be carried

As I walk away, a residue of footprints stay imprinted in time as it waits there for my return

 

© Written by Elizabeth Shane 

 

Elizabeth Shane's books of poems, sharing her experience as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, Silhouette of a Songbird, Rainbow of promise and Behind the Mask are avaible to buy on Amazon 

 

Sorry

I am still trying to figure out

how to talk about this

without it sounding like

an apology

for taking up too much space

 

From Echoes That Matter, by Noortje van Amsterdam

 

Surviving without a sound

All I heard was

about  

fight and
flight

 

So when I

            froze and

disappeared

 

into the soundless nothing

that was left of me,

 

the appropriate words

had already been

forcefully vacated

from my vocabulary

 

All I heard was

about              

strange men

            in dark alleys

 

So when neither the

context nor the culprit

matched that description

 

my head was spinning

so fast, that all memories of

this monstrous transgression

were sent flying

out of my consciousness

 

They lay neglected

for years

before I could even

consider naming

this violence

 

From Echoes That Matter, by Noortje van Amsterdam

 

Lessons in healing 1

Write it down

All of it

Wound the paper

with your truth

Scratch it into/onto

the blank page

and feel the impact

of the unrescindable words

You. Lacerated.

 

Then burn it

 

Let the flames

teach you about

the healing powers

of your searing anger,

the fire that drives you

 

Let the ashes

teach you that

sometimes

you need to fall apart

before you can

let go

 

From Echoes That Matter, by Noortje van Amsterdam

 

Ghosts

Ghosts part the window

Footsteps sound

Into a place where I once feared

Slowly breaking down

Like a hollow rocking horse

Withering Into dust

Oh baby virgin

Don’t you fuss

Cradles, buggies, dummies too

Unexplained perversion shines straight through Silence is golden, my little girl I won’t tell anyone, never, no But you don’t own me Not anymore I am free, forever more Ghosts part the windows Footsteps sounds Today I bury you inside I swallow every goodbye

 

By Alisha 

 

Human

He isn’t a monster

He is human

He isn’t a demon

He is human

That doesn’t mean he is good

Far from it

But he is human

Because if you think of him as a demon, a monster, something you can’t control Then he will take over He is human Just a human A weak human being An evil,  weak human being that done you wrong That made you think it was your fault That made you keep it all inside But I promise you You can control it The flashbacks The memories The hurt Because you are strong You are brave You are a survivor

 

By Alisha

 

Freeze

Hold your camera, position it and freeze, photograph this moment so I have images for which I will have no speech
Adjust your shutter, remove the clutter, zoom into the mist that is enveloping the small girl, stand just beyond her reach
Capture her innocence so it can be developed upon grainy film, hold the camera still
Snap, her body is fading, snap again, he is pushing inside with a desire to fulfil
Zoom in on her eyes because I think you would capture terror, I think you would capture shock
Because her body was not ready for these deeds to be done, take a photo quickly before the key starts to unlock
Now you capture a tear through your lens because her eyes are spilling out an inch of the pain
Take a photo of her floating up high to the ceiling, make it black and white to minimise the shame
Take a photo please so someone can know, poise your camera, take the slides and record her dying
Now freeze because there are more tears falling from her eyes, and as my watchman it is hard to see her crying
But you are a photographer, a documentor, just a figmant of my imagination 
I think you paused the shots at the pinnacle of my loss, the moment of my deepest frustration
Take a photo of the swirling ceiling to which I flew with wings I did not know I possessed
Grasp the image quick whilst I am still naked and floating, see him get me undressed.
So everyone will know that this was not my choice or my voice or the desire of my being
Be the lens that carries truth to the mobs, that perceive me as desecrated, to all that are utterly and wholly unseeing
Take a photo of her bleeding when it is over and he has discard her like a piece of meat
So I can remember what I once was, what I could have been, before shame bound me and took it's powerful seat
One moment, snap, capture the blood upon her bed, upon the teddies, dripping  down
Capture it quickly so she doesn't have to bleed again to speak this, take the photo, watch her drown 
See her fading away, making vows to never tell or speak of this strange act she cannot understand
Just take the photo, zoom in on her body which once held purity within its withering hand
Capture every part of me fading because to dissolve is the only way for her to stay alive
But dissociation is a trap that no camera could portray, even though it is just one craftful way you develope to survive
Take another photo then freeze as you capture her face which displays  the desire to please
Hold up your lens to the mystery of her frantic attempts, capture what she believes and what she percieves
Click and she has  given in, though she knows this feels like sickened sin
Click again and capture her delusion, the, betrayal age accepts, trying to please she again lets him in.
Then snap the shutter adjust the angle as you capture her both protesting and apologising for crying as she pleads
Photograph  him as he walks away so they can know he leaves me as my body bleeds
Don't drop the camera, don't stop gazing through your lens because the story is not ended
Capture her on her bedroom floor, capture her eyes that sense she has been defiled, zoom in so your lens is fully extended
So she is seen, though she is naked, so she is known though she is nine and broken
So she is held in a frame, remembered in a slide, so her words are not simply an empty token
Capture the deformity that is arising in her heart so that she will never have to explain
Find a lens that can eloquently illustrate the depths of this screaming, chronic emotional pain
Do not shy away, do not close your shutter in order to avoid connection with this imagine you do not wish do see
To be seen, to be known, to be held in mind, is all she needs to set herself free.
Store the photos  with a seal which is stronger than the seal that was broken within that girl
Keep her story somewhere safe so when her words are but an echo, her reality can still unfurl
And lastly though you are an observer and though I create you to bring her alive and to make her story known
Do not  be harmed by the images, do not be sad nor allow her loss into your heart, because she already survived it on her own.
All she cares for is validation, she asks that truth could kill the lies that still bind her heart
Piercing thorns that invade her whole life, her development, her ability to grow, slowly ripping her apart.
Hold my story as though you hold a feather upon the palm of your hand
Because it is I who holds the weight which breaks me, you do not need to understand.
Lay the camera down, place it back in its case where it can sit and hold a story that many will never know or believe
Take away your images, develop them, contain them, then offer them to her when she cannot explain why she seems to grieve 
So that when she is crying day after day after day, she can simply share the album of sorrow
The photos for which she has no words to usher, the construction of every today and tomorrow.
I hold the frames, the images in my body my veins, my sleep and my waking
I'm just tired of watching the slideshow alone, without anyone to hold her body still naked and fully shaking. 

 

By Claire

 

In her skin

Right now I am in her skin, and as it is crawling I draw a breath like a wave that is about to cascade
I am the darkness, I am the delusion,  I am the sickness, I am the plague
Oh someone hear me as I scream a silence that is pitched beyond what is audible to you or I
Oh hear me because my body is broken, oh hear me because I have tears that I cannot cry
Curl up my girl within your cave of silence, where it is only you and your voiceless ration
I know you cry out for some release, for some kind of peace, ultimately you seek compassion
Because no one had the passion to see you, just a shipwreck, nothing more
But here you are bleeding as though it was yesterday, lying on your bedroom floor
There were no grown ups there and if you were grown up enough to know the word rape
Perhaps you would have fled and not died in your bed, perhaps there was a way to escape
But I cannot avoid you like the shore cannot turn back the tides that beat in endless rhythem
I am but a ship without an anchor, a sea without a harbour, nothing taken, nothing given
I am hurting beyond what you could begin to name as pain
I am barbed wire that pierces my skin, I am  despair and I am shame
Did I dig my grave, though I did not ask for such desolation, at such an early age
I did not hold the pen that would engrave my story of pain, upon each tainted page
Tell me, don't sell me, eloquently describe what I have lost and what was stripped
Tell me why for living this lie , I am so utterly deserted yet wholly equipped
Yes I am sound and silence, I am the violence and the single tear that slides upon my cheek
I am the storm and the carnage, I am everything I long for, and everything that I helplessly seek
Delete me, complete me, take me to a  place where pain does not burn
Take me somewhere that I am not crushed, so that I can begin to learn
I will be to you the sea, which I watch impassive, like it's monotony is a web all complex and winding
Like the chains in which I am writhing with strife, with desperation, so slowly binding
Give me back my life and I will give you a token of existance from my palm
I will give you my essence and my joy and all the genuine feelings that linger and quietly charm
Sometimes giving is just an action, that makes itself something it feels it ought to be
When all the texture and the emotion of that gift, is floating somewhere, bobbing out at sea
There is so much desecration for such a temple built with frustration, and with passionate desire
I am the waves that carve destruction upon the cliffs, drawing back then rising higher.
Oh someone know me, someone simply draw alongside and hold back the tide
Shout the truth from the rooftops because I no longer wish to dissolve like salt, she does not want to hide.
I would give my devotion to speaking a story which captures a shooting bleeding star
Falling from the sky like the whole of space cannot contain it, fleeing with such distance, so very far
When I find her I will tell you, and you will wrap your arms around her skin
When I find her she will cascade to the earth so that gravity cannot bind her, so she can circle in
But for now perhaps you could tell me a story, so that I can escape the absence of my very being
A life once lived, a something gived, a massacre, a war,  tell me a story,  ease the carnage I am seeing 
Perhaps a fairytale where the only veil, is one that pre empts joy, flowing instead of fleeing
Running towards instead of aching for distance, something that is forseeing.
I shall sleep now my shell, though I know my dreams will be far from this empty loss
I know I shall tremble as my dreams attack me with rage, leaving me to tumble and quietly toss
My dreams they know me better than I dare to be known
Darkness covers me and my heart discovers me, because there are many ways to feel alone. 
I just long for peace, nothing spectacular just simplicity and a desire for living
A sense of self, not sitting on a shelf, a place where I am drawing as much as all that I am giving.

 And when it all ends I will send up a firework to explode with celebration, 

 Into the desolate night skies

 

   To signify release or some sense of

   peace, to let you know that I have 

   rescued the child that cries. 

 

By Claire

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