Toni talks about opening our hearts
There are many ways we describe and practice self-care. For many this concept of caring for oneself is new and taking care of others isn’t questioned. Considering others is a of course a wonderful quality and great celebration of community spirit, family, and humanity. We learn how to care from others within our environment growing up. Parents or carers often lead on this; as we grow, we witness, hear and at times challenge behaviours led by their core beliefs and values. Other environmental influences can come from our chosen communities such as friends, religious communities, social clubs and groups, TV, Media and of course algorithms from our internet activity and followers and those we chose to follow online.
The has been a shift, however there is still a strong culture of common responses when someone is experiencing emotion pain in some way. Phrases such as: ‘Look on the bright side’, ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’, ‘At least …. ‘, ‘It could be worse’, ‘First world problems’ , ‘Don’t cry / no need to cry’, and ‘Calm down’ are regular responses. Of course, these are often said with good intention, likely to distract and reduce the stress of whatever has caused a negative emotion. For many, they can be an autopilot reaction as they do not want to see someone they care for feel sad, angry, tearful, heartbroken, helpless, grief, frustrated, withdrawn, envious … to name but a few ‘negative’ emotions. We are never (hardly ever) encouraged to stop or distract from experiencing positive emotions such as love, excitement, pride, belonging, kindness, and happiness. Of course, more of these experiences are activity celebrated and longed for!
The human brain, heart and body feels ALL emotions it is part of what makes us human. Yet often we have an unconscious attitude that negative emotions are so bad we try to avoid, banish, or minimise them. This can lead to situations where people don’t feel they have the permission to share their true feelings or that perhaps something is wrong for them to feel this way. Common thoughts such as: ‘I don’t want to be bring the mood down’, ‘I don’t want to upset or worry others who care for me’, ‘I need to toughen up’, ‘I need to find and focus on the positives and not dwell on negatives’ and so on.
A quote Brene Brown helps us to understand the impact of responding in this way. "We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions".
Opening our hearts to fully experience the negative emotions needs to be done with a whole lot of kindness to ourselves. With healthy positive internal dialogue to painful emotions: ‘I feel pain / angry /sadness right now. What is the kindest thing I can do to help myself?’.
Therefore, if we can practice ‘leaning into’ the painful emotions. If we wholeheartedly open our hearts to allow ourselves to feel, express and externalise the emotions by accepting that it is ok and part of us in that moment/day /time. We are taking the best care of ourselves from the inside. Once we allow the emotion to be felt, witnessed, and expressed it can feel far smaller and THEN we can move onto the good stuff!
Kirsten Neff offers guided free guided meditation to help with this aptly named Soften Soothe & Allow. See link … https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/softensootheallow_cleaned_01-cleanedbydan.mp3
If meditation is not your thing. Then perhaps simply find a friend who is able emotionally available to listen and support you. One who can offer empathy or caring response…
This YouTube clip from Brene Brown on Empathy helps to demonstrate and understand the responses our hearts and minds need in these tricky times. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
There are different ways to open our hearts to negative emotions. Some people simply need to cry and be held, others benefit from keeping a journal of emotions, some move by running/walking whilst thinking about and processing the painful emotions. Others may like to use their hands by drawing / baking /gardening, organising/ cleaning a room or being creative writing lyrics for a song or perhaps write a poem. Find ‘your thing’ and use this as your own self-care tool, because you are worth it. It will be something that brings you a sense of joy, peace (even if only for a short time) or you notice you feel lighter within your body, heart and mind during or afterwards.
Please remember taking care of yourself is NOT selfish, I repeat NOT selfish. With regular practice it will help you to feel more able to support and continue to care for others, it’s a Win Win! 😊
Sending Love and kindness to your all as you navigate YOUR self-care activities.
